Dear Amy: My friend “Jill” is getting married next week. This celebration had to be rescheduled multiple times, due to COVID.
I’m excited for her, but I got an update from her this morning that’s made me very angry and hurt.
Jill sent me a picture from her final fitting (veil and all), where she was wearing a delicate string of pearls that I loaned her to try as her “something borrowed.”
Although she said before that she wanted to try the look out before committing, she seemed excited about it.
Just now, she told me that she thinks the necklace is too much and that she is going to wear a pair of her sister’s earrings, instead!
All I could say was, “Your wedding, your decision.”
I was already disappointed at not being picked to be a bridesmaid.
I thought this would be a way for me to still be part of the ceremony. She doesn’t know this, but I left the pearls to her in my living will.
I may not be Jill’s closest friend, but to have my offering rejected at this point feels like a slap in the face!
If she didn’t end up wanting to wear the necklace, why pose with it and send a photo?
Ordinarily, I’d tell her how hurt I feel. But wedding matters are delicate, and with the pandemic affecting so much of this one, I feel I need to tiptoe.
How do I let go of/process my anger at feeling led on?
— Brokenhearted in Maryland
Dear Brokenhearted: Coco Chanel famously said, “Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.”
Your friend did this.
She sent you the photo to show you that she had tried on the necklace, along with her entire bridal outfit.
Her choice is not a slap in the face. This is not a rejection of your friendship.
It is a decision made by an excited bride the week before her wedding.
You are upset. But your response to this is w-a-a-a-y out of proportion.
Now it’s time for you to look in the mirror and take one thing off.
Buck up. The next generous act for you to commit would be to recognize that this is not personal.
Dear Amy: My sister is getting married in November.
She invited me to the wedding, but I don’t really want to go because I cannot stand her fiancé’s family.
His parents and grandparents are loud, obnoxious, rude, and use racial slurs, especially when drinking.
I don’t think I could stand being at a wedding reception with them there.
Is it OK if I tell the couple I will attend their ceremony, but not the reception?
I am worried that my sister and my parents will get upset with me for snubbing the reception, but my peace of mind is more important to me than my sister’s desires.
I want as little contact as possible with them. If they try to pressure me to attend, should I be honest and tell the couple the true reason why?
Dear Worried: It is not rude to go to a wedding ceremony but skip the reception, but you should notify the marrying couple beforehand so they can rearrange their seating. However, because you are a sibling of the bride, your absence would definitely be noticed, and an explanation would be expected.
You could certainly be honest about your reasons for skipping the reception, but this wedding is not about you. If you want to avoid conflict beforehand, it should be fairly easy for you to attend the reception, congratulate your sister and her husband, participate in the photo session, visit with your own family members and other people you do like, and then quietly exit when the dancing and drinking start.
Dear Amy: I disagree with your response to “Wondering.”
I do not associate with people who are not vaccinated.
I think I have every right to ask before agreeing to meet them in person.
It’s my health at stake and I have the right to protect it as long as I don’t hurt others.
I even belong to a group that plays bridge together. Not only do we ask, but we require proof to play. If people don’t wish to respond, that’s their right, but then I have the right to avoid them.
Dear Disappointed: Learning the vaccination status of anyone playing bridge would be extremely important; the game is played inside in close quarters, with players facing one another.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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