Brits urged to ‘hold bum cheeks apart’ as bog roll usage is ‘killing planet’

Britain is a nation of secret bog roll bandits and it’s creating a stinking problem for the planet – experts warn.

A staggering 12m trees are chopped down annually to keep the UK’s bums wiped – requiring the equivalent space of 316 Wembley stadiums to grow.

The average user flushes 127 rolls down the loo annually, a damning report by eco tissue firm Who Gives a Crap revealed.

Now bog roll boffins recommend drastic measures such as pulling your bum cheeks apart while pooing to save loo paper or forcing wasteful kids to use pocket money on tissue.

Using just two sheets per wipe will help save the planet and keeping a handy spray bottle of water nearby will make wiping more efficient, they claim.

Everyday Environmentalist blogger Rachel Van Hart said: “You could spray your bum directly and then wipe. Or you could spray your toilet paper to create something of a knockoff wet wipe. Either way, you’ll be amazed how much toilet paper this saves.”

Other tips include squeezing the toilet roll because “misshapen toilet paper doesn’t roll so well so it complicates everyone’s efforts to pull off more and more.”

Another bog paper warrior said: “As you sit down on the toilet, use your hands to hold your cheeks as far apart as possible. This will keep them out of the way and keep them clean, greatly reducing the amount of paper you need when going for a number two.”

Boffins at Bidetking recommend even more hardcore measures.

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Its website says: “Let everyone in your household know that the paper will only be replaced on certain days. You can even take this concept to a higher level by charging per sheet for any extra toilet paper used. This method could work if you take money out of a child’s allowance.”

Who Gives a Crap CEO Simon Griffiths warned: “Even some of the most dedicated eco-warriors massively underestimate the impact traditional toilet paper production has on our forests and beyond.”

And kids are often the worst offenders for wastage.

Nurse Joanna Baker added: “It’s a rite of passage for a father to come in and give a child a lecture on how much toilet paper is appropriate.”

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  • Turn double or triple ply paper into single ply by pulling apart the sheets, making it last twice or three times as long

  • Use two sheets per wipe

  • Keep a spray bottle of water nearby for making eco wet wipes

  • Squeeze the roll so it’s harder to get more off

  • Don’t leave out extra rolls which encourage bogroll banditry

  • Make wasteful kids pay for their own bog roll

  • Pull your bum cheeks apart for a cleaner poo and less wiping

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